A POCKET OF CELLAR

Fade away

2010-01-12T21:01:00.014+08:00

I'd like to think I feel jaded already.
Rightly so I should.. yet so strangely.. I am not.

The actions and outcome are as true now as they were some weeks ago but I have no rigid defenses to outspeak/outreason him.

Because I still think fondly of him.

I know too however, with all his effort that entails in a relationship, it is just too difficult to do long term.

Once, it was the question if we had started off on the wrong foot.
Then there were uncertainties about emotional stability, his walk with God and the painful "I need to walk this alone."
In "better" breakup times, we would break up on the basis of him not being able to accept me for who I am (punctuality, cannot understand tennis language). In "worse" breakup times, it would be a split due to the uncertainty of his love for me; or if he even did love me at all.
Then, there was the commitment problem breakup, the leader urged us breakup and the I read the bible and I am still not emotionally stable enough for you breakup.

The final damage was an incompatibility breakup (in his words, "not a love problem") - a lost of desire to communicate with me.

Looking back, I suppose I always thought I wouldn't remember how we broke up.
But not quite. I do remember.
Yet there were a reason too many.
Which stood, which didn't? I don't know.

Perhaps that is why I've always only had one answer, one reason exist.

That the call on the relationship depends on his mere emotion.
Fluctuating emotions.

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

Let's not talk about faith for commitment (yet). But faith for even continuity; to stay and journey through the relationship.
I guess not : (

But yet what do you know...

it was a bundle of excitement, fear yet of exhilaration, sadness yet of desire when I heard his voice yesterday.
The voice I wish I could go home to, to pay a midnight cab charge to, all just because I want to.

Yet when he said that there was no more turning back - the voice of hatred, the voice of pure bleak -it pierced me.

I should thank him (rightly so) because that would mean no more heartbreaks. Yet against nothing else, I felt a cold chill down my spine as I cried my last tears for the man I love.

Yes I still think fondly of him.

But I will fade away, I will move away.

because he wants you to be with someone else, Mel. Someone but him.
Remember that.
Forever.

Security in wisdom

2009-08-05T00:42:00.003+08:00

At the heart of it, I still love stuffed toys and I never get sick of them.
This is Ellie; incredibly adorable I know. Very prized possession largely because I got him from the arcade. : )

Thank You Jesus;
I will not forget, nor turn away - my heart will retain Your words,
I will keep looking straight ahead, my eyelids look right before me.
I will not enter into battle. A battle that is Yours, Yours for mine (my life).
When I walk, my steps will not be hindered, and when I run, I will not stumble.
I take firm hold of instruction, I do not let go; I keep wisdom.

My security in wisdom is such that it is found by Your love Daddy.
That I choose wisdom over self; wisdom over circumstances; wisdom over actions; because it is better to choose You over anything else.

Security is not dictated by effort and situations. Security is choosing You.

I love You Daddy.

I live in an era where (somewhat) only new clothes thrive

2009-07-24T01:23:00.003+08:00

But I am SO SO SO glad I never threw away my old ones.
Now I am cutting, sewing, folding and discovering how everything turns out. It's more fun than the original!

I promise not to be sick of doing new (old) things and still buy new (newer) things!

Has anyone been to ION? Everyone will tell you it's amazing! It's huge! There's Dunkin' Donuts!
But I will tell you it's too foreign (like Vivo).

I guess you could say I am boring and way-too-less-advanced.

Please watch this : )

Goldgoldgold

2009-07-16T00:58:00.004+08:00

I was in uncomfortable shoes and a laptop bag but I was particularly excited.

I have not shopped for so long!

With Pea today, we lit on town, with the excellent concept of NO-DINNER-PLEASE! Because dinner spoils shopping time. Dinner makes no time for shopping. Dinner closes shopping malls.

We are very serious.

I made no plans to shop the town down; I just wanted to breathe in the beautiful shop fronts, hijack the new arrivals in the fitting room, feast on colours and texture of every garment - the empowerment of being female and loving every bit of it!

But words fail. And my heart does this little fashion squad dance at every drool-worthy piece.
In the end I bought this incredible Tsumori Chisato knockoff, actually it is not a knockoff - it just really looks like it (the bohemian prints and dose of colourful cuteness)!!
I adore it! PURE EYE CANDY.

I came home, really amazed at having shopped with a heavy laptop; tired, but happier than I did before the shopping. A good arm exercise, in retrospect.

More thriftstores, more shopping please!!!

On a side note, has anyone caught Secret Window? (JOHNNY DEPP!)
I have it in Video on Demand, which means I can watch it anytime.
Bearing in mind however, it is a horror / thriller film - I have since played it 5 times, resumed it 6 times but have barely hit half way (45 mins into the movie).

I see a trend here. And it probably relates to scared and watch and the relative timings (night) or company (no one at home) thereof.

I know. I get irritated at myself sometimes.

p/s I gave Lynnn my blog address : ) Something I only trust to do if I trust you enough. Thank you for asking for it, thank you for reading, thank you for being Hey hey : )))

His love for me is out of this world

2009-07-15T00:48:00.007+08:00

I have been meaning to write about Sunday.

But then there is this distraction every once a while - succumbing to the likes of my favourite friends of the super quick photo uploads (Facebook!) because frankly, Mel is just too lazy for their pain in the wait.

So I made a quick stab at being photoloading punctual : )) *Beam*
Success!

Laziness is not from God! Begone in Jesus name. It shall have no part in me.

With a Sunday service like this (12July), one must allow tears to stream down face and give in to the embrace of God. Woah. My heartstrings were not just tugged at; my whole heart was moved. This cannot be best summarised by anything, nor bought at any price for what has been bought and overpaid by His Son, Jesus : )

God's design for life and to whom He loves, is too wonderful and beautiful for my mere words.

But my mere writing (typing) I shall still do because I never want to forget this.

Pastor Mark shared about the Father's love - making the case of a father to a child, him mostly - to his daughter - the involvement of him in her life not just physically but emotionally; not just a speech of love but an action of one; not just a shout of praise, a pat on the shoulder on good result days but encouragement and support on her very odd days.

It is not like he or she (son or daughter) planned to come to this world a failure / drug addict / murderer. As if they need you to remind them to feel guilty. As if guilt needs reminder. As if we are not already naturally guilt-ridden. As if we don't need Jesus?(!)

I actually love such audacity. To me, such audacity speaks of God's arrogance and fight to love me. He guards and loves me fiercely. That who so tries to rob me (of my joy, my possessions, my heart; who hurts me) shall have no power over me.
Because His love is irrational. It is unreasonable. It is unthinkable.
It is OUT OF THIS WORLD. He will love you in spite of you (don't we many times dislike ourselves?). He will love you in spite of anyone, anything, anyhow. He will love you like NO MAN WILL. Because you were created for Him to love. You are the object of His love. You are the recipient of His pouring love. His expression of love is for You. You are THIS loved.

It stirred me up. I just kept tearing. I think I literally felt my heart melt. It went into a winter wonderland of slush.

God is too unreasonable! He loves me too much.
And because of this, I shall be unreasonable as well. I will take it all.
Not so much a rudeness as an excuse to be loved and romanced by Jesus once again. Time out of mind. Time is out of my mind. My future will never be marred by time. Indeed.
He who holds time, holds me higher than time. My future is secured (fruitful) because of Him. Jesus.

Sunday also held a special meaning to me.
12 July. My dad's birthday.
My dad really loved me. He still does (in Heaven). Something I always knew - he was like Pastor Mark, loving his child despite her performance anywhere. It brought me to tears again, when I remembered how my dad gave me a tight hug when I was 16 in school, receiving my report card. I did badly for my prelims (for 'O' levels), the inability to justify my exam results produced only a response of a terrible cry.
My dad pulled me to him. He hugged me. He told me "It is okay."
(Is it any surprise TOUCH is both my sister and my love language? I am not surprised.)

I will never forget him. I will never stop loving him.

To date, I can never watch a dad-child show without crying. It has become existent in my life. I miss him. And here I am crying again as the missing deeply dives into the heart.

But you know what? It feels good. It really does.

Pea told me, "I know and remember your dad as how Pastor Mark described a loving father."

I am blessed with such an earthly father. He has loved me well. He is an integral part to who Mel is today. I do not have him with me here, in the natural sense. But he is in my loving memory forever. No other earthly dad shall ever replace him.

I may not have a dad physically here with me but remember God is a Father to the fatherless. Therefore I conclude I will be fathered MORE than anyone else. I can expect MORE fatherly love than anyone else because The KING is my Father. A Father who loves me exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all that I can ask, think or imagine.

Because He only gives me the best.
I love you Daddy GOD.

To my beloved babe

2009-07-10T01:43:00.006+08:00

S, thank you for the talk.
I thank Jesus for you, I really do.

You are very dear to me. It does not matter what you said, it does not matter if you have hurt me, because I have too. You said you were too judgemental, but who am I? I am in no place to judge. I am blessed to have such a friend - you. Forever. And that will never change. I love youuu babe.

Friends, who love me in spite of me. Who stand by me in spite of me. Only because I am me.

Jesus, You place important friends in my life for me, to love me, as a gesture of Your love towards me. I am grateful.
I taste Your love. It is very good. I want You. I want You more.

I am the reason Jesus is here (with me)

2009-07-08T22:37:00.003+08:00

Thank You Jesus

Morning will always come, Your light will always shine forth and You will always be here with me.

I am imperfect. Because when trash is piled up, filth is thrown at my face and I feel corrupted, I know I am not the best. But I will look to You. Just to You.

Because Your word is true.

You never give me up.

I will always remember You love me.

To you

2009-07-08T19:35:00.012+08:00

I guess I have 2 people I want to dedicate this entry to. I do not want to mention who, in fact, I do not even know if they will read this but if they do, they will know.

I am upset today. Not angry. Just really upset.
Getting misunderstood is fine. I get that. But to have you not stand up for me when you know what he said was not true HURT me. Please do not think I cannot move on, or I am blabbering here because I am bitter over what happened.
I am disappointed because I know that he does not understand how I feel - but, surely you do? You would, wouldn't you? I share everything with you : ( You are the only person I told this of. Pea has not even learnt of this.

Why is it when he said I do not understand his decision is a good decision and that I only wanted love and to walk this journey, the miseryguts of sounding like all I ever wanted was to force him into a relationship, YOU SAID NOTHING?
You do not have to blame him, but why did you not stand up for me? Me. Your friend.

You then send me an email to tell me how I am also at fault and I have to move on. To tell me his decision is a very good decision.
Whenever did I say IT WAS A BAD DECISION? Whenever did I not agree to it? Whenever did I not want to move on?
Why is there seemingly this need to know from good and evil? The tree of knowledge of good and evil brings about death. Why is there such a strong need to prove to me that his decision is good? I cannot be bothered. Because I too agree it is good. I really do.
Why this sense of self-righteousness? This reasoning, this very religious behaving. I do not like it.

Maybe I lack the courage to speak to you. Maybe my email to you was too rude.
But please know, I am not inherently crazy to want to stick to this relationship and not move on. Since when? Your worries are meaningless. Do you not trust my Father?

Also, to you (him), you are entitled to your opinions (of me).
But given my space here, I want to tell you I have never felt more glad of the decision you made. When I tell you I respect it, I really do. If you felt that I forced you into making the decision to walk the journey together, I apologise. That never was my intention.

My only grief was the fight-breakup, kiss-makeup that happened so frequently, even moving on was a whirlwind of mess. But I allowed it too, didn't I. I wanted a closure and my decision was firm because I gave you the breakup you wanted, but moving on, even my normal life would sometimes be questionable to you. That I would do something 'wrong' or 'stupid'. You hurt me. Or I hurt you. So I gave you the option and my choice. My choice because I love you. I really did.

You mentioned how can two walk together unless they agree. But it is ridiculous. We are not agreeing to walk together (not for a relationship, not even really a friendship), you are not intending to, so why would I want to unless you do? I agree with you! I agree with you walking your own journey! But there even if we AGREE, this verse is not one abit applicable to us. We agreed NOT to walk together. That's that. No association.

Everything I wrote in my previous entry speaks none of a jerk, not of you I would call a jerk, if you would believe. Writing what I wrote speaks nothing of whether I agree with it being a good decision or not.
I am just utterly in my world of conviction that I was not loved more than I should have. How is that offensive to you? I hope it is not.

My other grief is despite having 'hurt' me over the year, there is no apology. Never mind, maybe I do not need an apology. But what does not help is despite the emotional affliction, you always say NEVER MIND GOD LOVES YOU. You know, GOD REALLY LOVES YOU. AND I KNOW HE DOES. But try being the injured party- and all the injurer ever does say is only how much he is being loved by God. Not even a trace of sadness that he has indeed caused some grief to you.

How would I believe you love me? Even though this is a good decision, what reaction are you expecting from me? That I HAVE TO BE THANKFUL TO YOU for making such a kind decision? That you so loved me you chose not to hurt me? Get real, we are still in this world. I have feelings. While I do not hate you, I really believe I do not stand a place in your heart. I agree with your decision, but I do not have to believe your non-existant love for me. I agree with your decision only because I want to be with someone who loves me.

This post is for you. Never mind if you read and laugh. Never mind if you think I am reasoning.
I have nothing to hide. I am still the same Mel.

My heart has well and truly failed me for the time being.
That is why I write this, right?

Thank you for reading.

The best excuse is still an excuse not to love you

2009-07-06T12:26:00.008+08:00

This shall be the last I ever speak of him.

We finally had "The Talk". It should be called "The Answer". We don't need to talk. I just receive my answer and I go home.
Love me? Whenever did he? He said it is not about love. It is about him.
Of course. When was it EVER about me?

He has never loved you Mel.

If he did, he would not want to lose you. He would be so afraid of losing you. He would not be afraid of making mistakes. He would not be afraid of working things out. IF he loves you. IF.

YOU ARE NOTHING TO HIM. You mean you did not realise?

When he came back in April, and you took that leap of faith to believe him again, did you think it was for real? If it was, why are you here?
When challenges arise, does he stay? No. He flees. But he does not even flee with you. You are alone.

He enjoys the good times and escapes in the bad. He tells you he is not emotionally safe. He is not ready. He is not the kind of man he should be.
A sobering story that happened in the stay of this relationship - where he selfishly refuse to spend his strength on you. In other words, he used you.
You were pursued, but not really; you were wanted, but only superficially.
And so when he said he's not a real man, it is true. A real man loves you because there is just no reason not to. A man like him, finds every reason not to love you.

He does not know what is love.

He does not know there is a beauty to rescue. Somehow, you were probably the bleeding knight, and him the beauty in the tower. It is funny.
You are not the reason he wants to fight. And that is the core of every woman's heart. The wound that leaves a devastating message - No, you're not beautiful and no one will really fight for you.

Thank him for leaving because your heart is core to who you are. This "wellspring of life" within you is the very essence of your existence, your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you - God created you AS A WOMAN. His image bearer. You are to be loved. Greatly loved.

TO BE ROMANCED
I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far - I will find you
Nathaniel to Cora in The Last of The Mohicans

The heart of every woman longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for.

And so we left, 3am in the morning. He gave me a, 'It's okay' when I said I wanted to walk up myself, which is pretty bad. 'It's okay' meant he still had to walk beside me, something I find very irked to do. I ended it firmly with taking the lift up myself because the last refuge of a man, the very last shred of being a gentleman - a man like him, is not even an offer I can find myself take.

I like what Mandy once wrote in her blog:

Letter to myself
You are better than this. Yes, you do love him. Too much in fact. You love him. But you don’t need him. Why would you need or even want a guy who leaves you over and over again because of his own insecurities? He knows it. He knows that you will always be there waiting for him no matter how long he’s going to take. Don’t let him take you for granted. You deserve so much more.

You are what every guy looks for in a girl. Understand that. You are amazing. You are willing to sacrifice everything for love. There will be so many other better guys who are going to come into your life and fall for you in an instant. So do it. Move on. Wait for the guy who will do the same for you. Wait for the one who will love you more than he can love himself. The one who will never let you wait because he’s too afraid to lose you. The one who is always there for you, whether you need him or not because he loves you so much. Wait for the guy who can look you straight in the eye to tell you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with nobody else but you.
Move on.
Stop waiting.
There is no point in waiting for somebody who doesn’t realise your value.
I love you. You will be fine.
Trust me. Life always goes on.

Captivating
What a comfort to also know that this universe we live in is relational at its core, that our God is a tenderhearted God who yearns for relationship with us. Look at the message he sent us in Woman. Not only does God long for us, he longs to be loved by us. He wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority. How could we have missed this?
From cover to cover, beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing how humble and how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will find Me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me - I want you to pursue Me."

This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of God. He wants us to love him. To seek Him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after too, with the whole heart of a pursuer. God endows Woman with qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God.

Tender and inviting, initmate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve. And this is ME : )

You can never find a better reason to move on, than a man who does not want to pursue you.

Now is the time.

A cry above

2009-06-25T01:25:00.000+08:00

Powerless to resist a cry today, I did it during office hours.
It actually felt really, really good.

My much needed settling came to the rights of my mind a lot later and realised -
He is normal.
I am different.

He. is. very. nice.
I. dont. like. nice.

He is liberal.
I still have insecuritites.

Maintaining a hard shell of cool will be my very best bet.

But I am happier. JESUS <3

No formulas; just His love

2009-06-22T02:04:00.017+08:00

Whoops. I think I recently changed my sleeping time to 3am.

By feeling I would say today is just trash.
By rightful value I would say today is a very God day.

Of late I have been stretched, tested, challenged and poked at so much it has become severely NORMAL for me to believe my feelings are rubbish. Because nothing stands for feelings.
Nothing.

I was griefed when I became someone's dart board today. Favourite board to say the least.
When it happened the first time today, I was okay. When it happened the second time, I was half-okay. When it happened THE THIRD TIME, I WAS NOT OKAY!
Of cos.
I'll be absolutely flaky if I said I was please.

This very humourless incident took place just about everywhere I was today. I do not feel like rehearsing the mix-hurt; so let me just use, lack of a better word - INDIGNATION (once again).
Frankly this is the perfect word to use for (really). It is also synonyms with Angry, Resentful and Mad.

Haha. Well. Never denied I got angry.

The bloody tongue to snide back. I just held it.
Offended. Hurt. Outraged (on the inside).
Sorry but which part of normal-friends-talk-to-each-other-in-a-non-voice-raising manner do you not understand?

I know. I am a bugger also.

Lynn asked me this really good question:
"Mel, if he keeps doing this to you, do you think you'll one day just not love him anymore?"

I said,
"Ya."

But God is really cute. He asked me, "Why?"
I reflected back at my answer, wondering if it is an answer founded on the rojak-hurt or an answer I truely believed in.

Does this mean there is no more forgiveness the next time this happens?
If so, how do you calculate enough forgiveness? When will forgiveness end?

Crazy. It doesn't.

Forgiveness is everyday, everything!!! Omg.
How will a change in behaviour remove the need to forgive? There are so many more things for you to forgive. Wait and some people can give you somemore.
I do too (make people angry) but that's not the point.

If this love is based on behaviour, I would have left LONG AGO (come on agree with me). To question whether I will love him [anymore] based on his doings and behaviour is totally irrelevant now isn't it? You don't love someone on the account of pleasant things he does, right? Same you wouldn't stop loving someone for the wrong things he does.
[That said, please do not go out and marry a fool - we are on the topic of love and forgiveness, not blind and insanity] [Do not bother asking me if I will thus, avail myself to him now; the answer is NO! I have a brain]

And because amid it all, I have the best author: GOD - To WRITE MY LOVE STORY.
Beautiful love story.

Who am I to worry?

My greatest honour will always be to serve my Lord and King

2009-06-19T02:07:00.008+08:00

Whao. Because whao does not mean wow in any sense, you'd have guessed my threshold for work has been greatly, greatly reduced. To zero, I think today.

I let everyone leave the office by 7pm and myself stay back; either because I have not finished my work or work never ends. Yes, these two complement each other.

I let go and cried on my notebook. I kept crying. Pouring my heart to Jesus.

Why is my work so unfulfilling yet taxing?
Why am I tasked to do everything (Legal to HR to Finance to Data Entry)?
Why does it seem like my boss is killing me very softly?

Spending time doing things I don't enjoy is starting to make less and less sense.

I look at her emails and remind myself she is bread for me.
But even that thought didn't digest. Eating her would be terribly undelicious (insert laugh?)

I dried my tears, contemplated skipping tennis for the 3rd time but went anyway.
The journey there made great by my Lord Jesus, who asked me again, "Do you trust Me? Do you know I love you?"
I returned Him myself and the urge to take flight.
Jesus took over.

At 10:16pm I received an email (from her). Generously polite and unfrightening.
Jesus forced her to send it to me. Haha

I did not have the best tennis game. But I had the best love / comfort / help I ever wanted - JESUS.

Soggy sleepy; almost a wonderland of romantic slush I'm writing

2009-06-17T01:18:00.012+08:00

Spent some quality time with pea today before the week hits "PACKED", catching up with the goss, fellowshipping, shopping and missing every bit of this married best friend (while still seeing so much of her!).

I want to get married too!

Aww. I did so much before, then I didn't so much, and then didn't at all. Now I do (!) again!
[I won't make you believe]

In theory I probably shouldn't believe in love (right now) but I still do (like you Mandy! Woohoo!), very much indeed thank you. I'm still deemed in the right spirit okay! Because God says so!

Spoke to L just now. Found out he is dating!
A little sketch of a really happy him wandered my mind. I smile. I'm happy. I'm not surprised he's seeing someone, I'm more surprised how almost indifferent I feel towards someone I used to think so fondly of, fell so quickly for, fought with, cried with, laughed with and towards the end, a bad breaking up with.

It feels funny - what once was called it, is now best lost to the winds of time, proving Jesus heals all wounds and our stupid imperfect memories.

But do we all move on like that?
To paraphrase my statement, isn't it tiring meeting new people?

I'm thinking: Yes, it is tiring.
I'm believing: But it is good.
I'm thinking: No it isn't.
I'm believing: I'm sure it is.

Oh, I'm drowsing off. I'd had the sort of day where you wake up already tired and it never quite comes together from there.
Mwah. Out.

The God I know

2009-06-16T01:36:00.000+08:00

Although I am not from CHC and I love NCC uber much, this is an incredible song : )

Glory to Jesus!

Love will never weary me

2009-06-16T00:33:00.004+08:00

I spent time with MOMMMYYYY today! And whipped up dinner : ))))

Steeped in a sort of nostalgia. I miss Dad. For that, I'm making a mental note to spend more time with mom. She is really happy today!! The littlest things we did - Grocery shopping and fighting to carry my laptop bag - I know I was a big part of my mom's life ten years ago. I know I still am.

I love her.

Her birthday is 17-June.. the day after tomorrow.

Give me ideas Abba! : )))

Kept in His heart, cherished and jealously loved; my Lord Jesus - I love You too.

No tour is a detour with Jesus

2009-06-15T00:05:00.003+08:00

At the heart of it I know the other person is on the same side. He is as entitled to his feelings as I am. Even if he thinks I am wrong, it does not matter. Irrelevance kicked to the curb.

It really isn't funny (or fun for the matter) taking the emotional roller coaster ride. Try not getting emotional after a whole year of rides. It is a monster! It is.
BUT it shall be Bread for me! Monster big bread!
Like the weathered tree, I get stronger : )))

Service was a punch-fist-in-the-air awesome! (Decidingly again, what is new? It always gets better right?)
I also attended my first mission trip meeting today! (Insert a little Nobody dance)
I'm all glee and REVVED up to go. Roar.
I feel privileged and honoured to be selected from an over-subscribed(!!) mission trip to go - the foolish, the weak, the base are chosen, are called. I am set up to be a blessing but much more will I be blessed! Myself, personally, I am bowled over by His grace and power. His ever assurance for me to, "GO!"

I am called : )

Jeremiah 1:4-9

Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
5 “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

6 Then said I:
“ Ah, Lord GOD!
Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”

7 But the LORD said to me:
“ Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’
For you shall go to all to whom I send you,
And whatever I command you, you shall speak.

8 Do not be afraid of their faces,
For I am with you to deliver you,” says the LORD.

9 Then the LORD put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me:
“ Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.

10 See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms,
To root out and to pull down,
To destroy and to throw down,
To build and to plant.”

I am also seriously blessed and empowered by the wonderful ladies God has placed in my life.
I am thankful (kisses and hugs), I really am.
I did nothing to deserve them, I give nothing to keep them. What truely warms my heart is the love they pour out to me, the love they love me with, a love that loves me because I am Mel, just because I am me. It is a God's love for me. I adore it.

Thank you Jesus : D

When I become the object for blame

2009-06-14T11:50:00.007+08:00

I am nothing, if not dismayed, sometimes to the point of hurtfulness.

I could be raised on a diet of Maybe I'm just not good enough (??) [even when I am moving on(!?)] - the mix of insult judgement and righteous indignation.

That somehow, I still managed to make a mistake. Somewhere.

But what right do I have swallowing the lies of such blast?

When I am highly esteemed by the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
Bought at a high price - the price of Jesus.

What right do I have when righteousness is a gift and is completely unmerited?
It stands. Truth stands. There I stand.

While realities cannot be denied [I am the object for blame], BE STILL.
No fight, no flight. Only STILL.

God, my deliverer.

How beautiful is a sleep

2009-06-10T00:32:00.002+08:00

I'm heading to bed now! Because headaches have no dominion over me!!
My new sleeping time shall be set at ... 1am!? (perhaps)

I'm still on the book of Wild at Heart, so beautiful.
Look at John and Stasi Eldredge, even though they entered an almost failing marriage together, they are now stronger and ever more loving! Because Christ holds all things together!!!
How else do you explain the anointing of this book?

That means we all have HOPE : )))))

Goodnight
XXXXXX

For every woman

2009-06-09T17:55:00.003+08:00

I've never been the sort to read men's books. Such things I thought were just,.. well, not for women.
But the John & Stasi Eldredge book combines both the Captivating (for women) and Wild at Heart (for men) books in one volume and sits right on my table.

I would be too rude to refuse.

Wild at Heart is incredible and is God speaking.
And if you read Captivating, you would know the reason God created women, how we bear the image of God, how precious and worthy and longing God's heart is to love us. If you read Wild at Heart, it still speaks to how important and breathtakingly captivating you are to God and to the warrior God has called to love you.

I like this,
"But Stasi married a frightened, driven man who had an affair with his work because he wouldn't risk engaging a woman he sensed he wasn't enough for. He wasn't mean; He wasn't evil. He was nice. And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing in the world a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a Really Nice Guy. Her worst fear was realised - she will never really be loved, never really be fought for. And so she hid herself some more.

Years into the marriage he found himself blindsided by it all. Where is the beauty he once saw? What happened to the woman he once fell in love with?
He didn't really expect an answer to his question. It was more a shout of rage than a desperate plea. But Jesus answered him anyway, 'She's still in there; but she's captive. Are you willing to go in after her?' He realised that he had - like so many men - married for safety.
He married a woman he thought would never challenge him as a man. Stasi adored him; what more does he need to do? He wanted to look like the knight, but he didn't want to bleed like one.

If the man refuses to offer himself, then his wife remain empty and barren. A violent man destroys with his words; a silent man starves his wife.

Most men want the maiden without any sort of cost to themselves. They want all the joys of the beauty without any of the woes of the battle. This is the sinister nature of pornography - enjoying the woman at her expense. Pornography is what happens when a man insists on being energized by a woman; he uses her to get a feeling that he is a man. It is a false strength because it depends on an outside source rather than emanating from deep within his center. And it is the paragon of selfishness. He offers nothing but takes everything.

Why don't men offer what they have to their women? Because they know deep down in their guts that it won't be enough. There is an emptiness to Eve after the Fall and no matter how much you pour into her she will never be filled. This is where so many men falter. Either they refuse to give what they can, or keep pouring and pouring into her and all the while feel like a failure because she is still needing more.
The barrenness of Eve you can never hope to fill. She needs God more than she needs you, just as you need Him more than you need her.

'What if the relationship doesnt work?' he asked. So many men are asking the same question. Work for what? Validate you as a man? Resurrect your heart in a day? Do you see now that you can't bring your question to Eve? No matter how good a man you are you can never be enough. If she's the report card on your strength then you'll ultimately get an F. But that's not why you love her - to get a good grade. You love her because that's what you are made to do; that's what a real man does."

Ladies, only a champion may win you; only the most valiant, daring and brave warrior has a chance. Just as Jesus has won your heart, so shall the man worthy of you.

Discover and rest in the love of God. We are His beauty and the princess in the tower waiting for the rescue in our fairy tale : )

"Last of the romantics I am", I say.

2009-06-08T23:42:00.008+08:00

Strange how it took me so long (a month?) to finally visit the drs today. The lump beside my ear although not painful, has gotten me to respond and find out what it exactly is!?

True in the field God has paid the price of death for me that I may have life, not death and albeit I would rather be the least worrisome person, the lump still once every while reminded me of the lump I had right before the shingles happened and God forbid(!) I do not want to start exploring thoughts of how irksome it had been.
It shall never come back to me. Praise God.

Visiting the drs confirmed there is nothing wrong : )
Only a joint problem I have been experiencing for awhile but even that shall have no hold over my body. The unlocked jaws shall lock themselves back to whole because I have a living healthy sound body - a body Jesus died to pay for. An overpayment of a perfect body.

"How am I lately?"
Wow, I like this question. I get this question a lot.
But seemingly also, do not have the capacity of answering it to my fullest capability and have allowed the represented change in moods to catch on.

I look forward to the move. A new beginning.
Although letting go of things means fettering myself to a new set of ideas of what to do with my lifestyle again and reactions again and comfort zones again but it's worthwhile : ))

I know these are changes that have been a long time coming and I should be really grateful they are finally under way.
Just strange again how long it took me to see to put this back on track because sometimes when you're on the planet of hurt, you feel long-suffering (That's why it's called patience right?)
You do the things you need to but it's tough but you know it's love. You know it's God.
Until God told me yesterday, "Mel, you're just tired my love. Please go to bed."

Yeap, I really was dogged tired.

Came down with a fever today (not swine flu HeeHee) but am so glad it was the slight low immunity and fatigue that had constituted to my emotional rounds.

On the topic of extremes, I figured post-mel May 2009 although alot less emotional, belongs to the when-happy-very-happy-when-sad-very-sad extreme. If there ever was an example, I think I would be rolling on an expressway after an arguement. Haha.
But thank God for the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness which has caused me to be alot braver and courageous, stronger and bold to do what I need to, to shoot arrows and trust in His business that will prosper my business - because my business is His business: )

Uncertainty has always been the catalyst for this.
Therefore I do not want. This shall be the certainty.

Till romance happens again, ciao ; )

Like a sponge,

2009-06-06T15:12:00.003+08:00

I soaked up the crazy love God had for me yesterday.
Romanced by my Father who brings love to me.

Notice not I to Him? Because no matter how much I love Him, I know He loves me even more.
I will never be able to understand the fullness and depth of His love for me - His love will always be higher and greater than my love. And that is what blows me away.
I will never keep up. I will never love Him more than He loves me. I will never even love myself more than He loves me.
This is His crazy love.

Which is why I feel that Jesus loves me is a statement, completely UNDERSTATED. Yeap, how do you even start measuring?
You dont, you just receive : ))))

I am blessed by Pastor Judah Smith's msg last night, a dvd from Hillsong Conference my cg and I caught.

I must must blog it down because I dont ever want to forget this. Ever.

Pastor Judah Smith spoke about hugs, about how his love language belongs to touch and words - Wow, you know I thought I was the only person (at least from what I knew) who loves to be loved this way. Yippie! Because I have the same love language as a pastor! Till I get the book of love language to double confirm and double wow.

He mentioned about hugs. How an old man once tried to get away from a hug, mumbling , "Uhmm, mmm ya ya, mm".
There was awkwardness for this man. He was uncomfortable with the hug. A little disturbed perhaps.

And hugs are like grace.

Grace comes to you. You don't go to grace.
Grace wants to embrace you, love you.
Grace does not come under logic, cause or effect, reasoning or science.
Grace comes right to you, whether you like it or not.
Grace is a person. Not teaching, not doctrine, not values.
And
Where Jesus is, Grace is.

Pastor Judah Smith also shared about the story we know very well. Luke 15, the parable of the lost son.
Oh yea, we know - been there, done that, read that, right?

But Jesus surprises me : ) yet again. Nothing new actually. Jesus, King of Romance, Enchantment and Surprises. How do you ever grow sick of this? You never. You just fall deeper in love.

Luke 15:17 when the son came to himself, and said he will arise and go to his father and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against Heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants." And he arose and came to his father.
But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, "Father I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son."

Notice the son had "planned" to tell his father of his unworthiness? He came to himself and felt that even the servants at his father's house were better off than him. And so he mentioned what he would tell to his father - His unworthiness.

But guess what? His great planning, his remorseful speech, his "plot" to impress his father that he felt unworthy, all to get back into the good grace of his own father IS STILL FAR OFF.

Because when was he ever worthy?
Never.

Simply put, HE WAS NEVER A SON BY WORTH.

HE WAS A SON BY BIRTH.

Praise God.

I am who I am by the grace of God. I am son by birth.
I have no right to apologise for who I am because I did not earn to be who I am today because of me.
I am who He made me to be.

I am righteous because He says I am.
I am blessed because He says I am.
I am worthy because He says I am.
I am who I am because He says "Mel, this is who you are, I made you this way. Enjoy and I LOVE YOU FOREVER."

This is who I am. Who my King says I am.

I AM A PRINCESS : ) True royal blood.

I'm not a show-off, God shows me off.

2009-04-12T20:16:00.007+08:00

I received a rose today, and indeed happy. Because my Father loves me.
He sets my circumstances right, my paths straight and turns all mistakes to blessings.
I have a Father who loves me with an everlasting love, the love that sets me to be the woman He wants me to be, a love that goes beyond my faults and emotions.

I'm loved and through the card and rose, I feel appreciated. Truely.

I just placed the rose in sugar water (the best no less!!)! And maybe that sounds crazy but I love flowers and the plastic sheet has squashed the petals to near-death. I will take care of her until she wilts, she shall not turn weary in my hands until her due time AMEN!

I feel good too, that in the face of ugly reality, I have Jesus to count on.
When was "S-for-Sex?-gesturing-to-me-who-you-are-talking-to" any of my business.
I felt morally offended until SJ hissed to me, "She's a show-off" and gave me the most incredible hug.

and then as I walked to my seat, God showed me a sticker on someone's bible that said, "When God made me, He was showing off."

And there, the hurt I felt held no meaning. The girl I disliked today, erased in my imperfect memory.

I cant even begin to measure My Father's love for me.

Unmeasurable.

Blow off

2009-04-08T00:35:00.003+08:00

Once you've had your time listening to things you dont want to hear - that pricks at your heart, hurt seeping down your throat and that strange taste in your mouth - you try to swallow but there's nothing anyway - just a painful lump of air -- you know you've explored sadness.

In my defence, well. I have absolutely no defence.

I am just a way of the obvious.

Can I approach and embrace all that, unencumbered by my lousy feelings?
Failing that, is it possible to permanently disable the stimulation brain gland to think until I'm at least 35?

I know. I too amaze myself at my self-fed hurt.

Sometimes a sailed away boat at the riverlake is just a sailed away boat - and none of my business.

Wandering around in a daze of unreality

2009-04-07T00:41:00.002+08:00

Why has it been good all these while?

Because it is better NOT to be myself.
I dont trust me to be myself.

Thank You Jesus, You perfect me.

But I know I cannot.

2009-04-07T00:03:00.006+08:00

Truth be told my recent emotions have reduced my Holding Up Well threshold to almost zero.
Not that God did not come true - He did : ) He more than did.

It was me. Me that allowed my feelings to strike a cord with my brain and my body. More stress than benefit really.
It makes less and less sense feeling the way I do, yet it seems to cut so right because feeling really feels like the way forward. And to continue doing it.

What I'm saying is.. I dont know what I'm saying.

I want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him. To act on impulse today.
To be the rash person I was before, to feel stupid but to feel it was all worthwhile.
To be remembered for something I did to make full (fool) of myself.
To for once, be indignantly wrong. To be traditionally hurt.

But I know I cannot.

He gets on just fine without me.

You love me Lord.

2009-04-05T23:15:00.004+08:00

It's april.

Where have I been?
I do realise I only write entries when I feel sad.

Do I feel sad today? Not really, just plenty of thoughts running through my mind.
Plenty.

Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they are okay, sometimes,.... they are not okay at all.

Thank God I'm not my feelings. I am not.

Captivating and incredibly loved

2009-02-16T01:47:00.005+08:00

This is my occasional diary.

Figured the real updates I have are those at heart but while I still love a write and have the time, I do it.

It has been clear to me how I'm wiggling my toes in bubbles again. I am so happy.

Nothing hits the spot like Jesus does, how He continually romances me, loves me and keeps me till I know not of all that is around me. I am more and more unaware of the things going on around me and I deem it good.

This proves, as if proof were needed, how really blessed I am.

It is in the waiting that my heart is enlarged.
God is setting me up for something more valuable than my happiness, more substantial than my health. Restoring and growing in me an eternal weight of glory.

The experience of hurt and sorrow did not diminish the joy of being more alive to Him and to be called to live in His true beauty. Having gone through what I did for the past month, I am only glad I stuck around; refusing to numb my pain in the myriad of ways available.

Even when I asked everyone else to leave, even when I wanted to leave, God is there.

My heart is truely deepened and this is only the beginning.
Can you imagine? As He moulds me to become the woman of substance, who offers true beauty, my heart is growing in my capacity to love and be loved, to desire, to live.

I am in a privileged position. I will keep smiling. And I will keep singing.

I am well and from my bubbling champagney heart, I can only be.
As I rejoice before actually seeing the manifestations of the healing of my face, of the beliving and confessing, He gripped me to His love.
He has yet again proved Himself faithful as my soul rests, turning to Him. He saves again and again and again.

Isaiah 58:8-9
Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
And your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call and the Lord will answer;
You shall cry and He will say, "Here I am."

My miracle as I woke up the next morning, light broke forth like the morning indeed as I was significantly more well than I ever was for Friday. And while the friends had an awesome time and a laugh at the expense of me, what some may call a "snail" or "unwanted pancake", I know I am well loved.

(Also) His inviting love (yet again) knocked on my door when Nic offered to send my application in for the serving in the photography ministry for me. Without getting off my butt to do it myself.

So.
How do you not swell at such love? His inviting love which quietens me. I love it.

It's 2am in the morning and I ought to hit the sack. I'm stocked up, in socks but before I snoooze, I (superbly excited!) should really tell you what I did today.

I over-shopped myself with char and shas. We had a sport-shopping frenzy which consisted of an over-indulgent purchase of adidas tops and although forcibly restrained from buying a cute pair of tennis shoes (PINK SOLES!), I still did.

I am now trying to psycho shas to buy it too. The responses however, only hover between, "I feel my chubby ankles." and "Let me think about it."

Not exactly favourable.

I'm humbled by Your grace Lord

2009-02-15T03:09:00.003+08:00

I had an awesome Valentine's Day.

And really, how things have changed.
You perfect all that concerns me Lord, and You are, because You are all I've got.

Exercise Wisdom

2009-02-06T16:55:00.003+08:00

I think I will be changing to see a western doctor.

How can this go on for 3 weeks and still not healing?

You are my wholeness Lord.

Oh my!

2009-02-04T21:40:00.004+08:00

Yummy would be an understatement. Bomb bomb bomb.

I'm playing Scrabble again!
A very good thing :)

My sense of humor is still in tact. Thank You Lord.

2009-02-04T18:26:00.004+08:00

You know, I love Jay Chou's songs. But it wasnt until yesterday that I realised whoah, this song's pretty decent, I like it.
Until JL told me, he listens to it all the time in his car, and my sister? She actually started listening to it LAST YEAR and can sing to the entire song (in perfect mandarin and perfect dont-forget-the-lyrics).

So I am the slow.

I love the weather today, perfect, makes one very cheery and lighthearted. More satisfying than the horror of realising I really have to skip tennis today. I've learnt to be less ignorant and to take good care of myself.

God perfects my family. Guess what Mom and sis told me over lunch? That once I get all well, they will hold a feast for celebration. Which reminds me why porridge (no marmite, cannot eat marmite) and tasteless vegetarian meat still taste so yummy. Because of love.

Is my face still swollen? Yes.. eyes much better but it has since, migrated to my checks as well, proving a challenge to even finish food.
Haha. Discussion with my sister whether it's worst not being able to see, or not being able to eat, we both chose the latter. Sight is the precious...... although thankfully all that I am seeing is not going to happen permanently. Hallelujah.
Goes to show how important every part of our God-given organ is.

I am growing roots, stronger spritually and to be this close to God, I know I am rising like never before : )))

Friends are supposed to come over on Friday because I managed to borrow Guitar Heroes from my cousin who got so oh-sick of World Tour. I cannot help but add that when I was 11 and really into roller blading, I borrowed a pair from him and never did return it since.
The pair of blades became mine.

Sets one thinking the kind of inconsiderate schmuck in me, I better return this on time.
But hopefully also, when I get really sick of it (!!!)

So speaking of Friday and pals who also want to mj, I am thinking of doing a postpone with my current horrific state.

No, I'm not comfortable meeting them.
I dont even check out my reflection at the mirror anymore.

I do unknowingly catch the reflect from my laptop (when it is black and the LCD I have to stare)and I scare myself(!!)
But then I look so funny, I cannot help but laugh.

I do not even look like myself.

Maxwell Hum Chim Peng?
Ya, very close to that. I have no answer however, to whether I'm a salty or a sweet one.

My life is good.

2009-02-03T15:05:00.002+08:00

Sunday I took 2 times Holy Comm.
I woke up yesterday with a swollen face. Sunken in eyes and puffed up eyelids.

Yesterday I took 3 times Holy Comm.
I woke up today, more swollen than ever - my eyes like slits. I can barely see. I amaze myself with this blog entry.

But I know, I well know my hundredfold is coming, I am bearing fruit with patience.
And say, the devil's work I know, so loud and right in me face. It may have frightened me the first few times but as yet, I am getting so bored with his predictable moves.

Because,

Psalm 23: 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Yesterday I sobbed like mad, sobbed not because I feel a massive and increasing discomfort on my face (although it is a terrible misery) but hurt and pain to see my mom curled up with heartache to see me feeling so terrible (the sight of the swollen face did not help I'm sure.)

But I am not scared. And although I gave in to crying, that made my eyes more swollen than ever, I know my God is my deliverer and manifestion of healing is occuring in my body.

I will be up and well :)

Drink some milk and go to bed

2009-01-30T01:25:00.004+08:00

FRIENDS is massive yummy again - Cant remember the last time I glued myself to anything.

I'm Seasons and Episodes all over again and not enough.

Plus the best lines of FRIENDS constantly crack me up.... throw abit of pout, when I watched Ross said, "You're over me? When were you ... under me?"

- I was a bout of "How apt." Everything speaks to me! : )
*Shiver, but in a nice way.

"Now that's what I call closure my friend."

God is indeedy very good to me.

I'm flying.

2009-01-30T00:14:00.002+08:00

Whew.

It took me 2 days didnt it? To waddle in my pace, in the pits, to finally understand I am calmer and am only better off without worrying about friends and the unnecessary.

When was everyone so important to me? When was outside the problem ever a problem? When was that told decision ever noble?

I choose to give no regard to the many, and leaving - although possibly the worst idea ever, makes me really happy.

Absolute.

You're over me? When were you ... under me?

2009-01-29T00:38:00.003+08:00

I should stop being surprised...

Am I living in a trapped loop? Or the hole I keep digging at?

Maybe it's true what J says.. "The best way to fall out of love, is to fall in love again."

Attempting to resuscitate a pile of bones

2009-01-28T01:33:00.008+08:00

For the past hours I did my best to sift through what seemed like important and serious decisions to make and in the end selected a long forgotten blog of mine to write on.

Oh, it's time for the I Feel Very Upset Today already, is it?

The journey of accelerated healing and restoration, the brillant love Jesus came to love me with, the liberation of happiness.

Why?
Because amid good days, today, there is that whiff of desperation to creep back into the hole I never thought I would return to.

The black hole. The hole brimming with ignorance and escapism.

I am the freak.

At heart I'm indulging in being away. But even the thought of the happiness protection didnt cheer me.

Sloppy green 'diet pepsi' tshirt VS Tight miniskirt

2008-09-01T01:41:00.001+08:00

A sampling that I may be low-maintenance: A hopelessly cute balloon.
While there's something in the fact that in gifts, literally every cute thing can be and is catered to a girl - and I think especially me, toys and knickknacks - an unexpected beautiful balloon (that looks so good in my room!) is expected to make me really happy, and very much indeed, thank you.

X,
Little night adventure,
Mxx

Oh honey, if you only knew.

2008-08-31T23:42:00.001+08:00

Finally, finally got round to buying my own slr - like being trapped in a happiness bubble.
It's sunday, and I'm still in that bubble. Everywhere I go, I bring with me MY FAVE TOOL.

Original agreement had been to start a photography expedition right away, but humble me realised I need to out figure more functions, do more rubbish snaps.. :))
My dreaded non-camera days are finally over. I might even bring my tripod to camp!
It's a heavy and crazywhacky idea.. but I like it more than I'm willing to admit.

Best picture of what today was

2008-08-26T01:28:00.002+08:00

despite the battered heart down poem,

my present from Daddy - I GOT THE JOB!! Thank You Jesus TKJ TKJ TKJ TKJ TKJ. You Love me YLM YLM YLM YLM YLM.
It was the most perfect of my interviews, like full blown beautiful, full blown Godly.
It's like fresh ink still drying, I'm so tempted to celebrate - actually I celebrated on Saturday with hotdogbun at Miramar Hotel's Ikoi Restaurant. SASHIMI! Slurps.
Everything happened so quickly - that leap of faith, into the beyond - interview, prayer and hope, got the job got the job got the job (ringing in my head).
That is why I bought myself a pink-red bathrobe.
(Side note: If you're lazy like me, wet hair and not willing to towel/ blow dry. Bathrobes work well with you)

Smile for a longer while today
Met Shxs for YU PIAN MEE FEN - Dig it totally dig it rocks my rox sox. I am still praying Shxs will accept me in the upcoming camp because she has visited HOW TO WAKE MEL UP (it is tough) and bad reviews by Pea that you cannot vomit in the same room I am sleeping in. Very sad friend I am; seals their sorry fate because I only have them. :P

Met E for TCC after shopping for bathrobe - I got into her way of regular work but she's still so cool about it. I had a good time, thanks and welcome for reading my 8 days Heehee

Had chicken rice with Mummy and Deedee at Cityhall - a secret streetshop I love.
We devised plans for the near future till after we get married (that is if I believe in marriage) and the sweet thoughts and houses and happilyeverafters. I love them. They watch me grow, in mental and heart, watch me fall and pick up, watch me gone and come back. They gave me love, grace, time, strength and support. This is sweet reality.

Contort, not
I came home, forgot I got the job and felt a little undigested again.
AGAIN!? Little fragile innocent heart.

Will you laugh at me ? Will you applaud when the comedy's over ?
When the credits roll, where will I go ? Will you still keep me in your hold ?

I dont know.

The fast ocean (small sea) coming between us, drowning out our love.

Perhaps jet setting might help?

2008-08-26T01:08:00.003+08:00

Still feel like running away,
A jet set trip from the grey way
The hazy blur, the strange stain,
You take me away and away from pain
But breathe in all your lies,
Compromise, compromise
The pointless plots, the cries I find
in my eyes. Turn blind,
never thought I could be like this,
are you really like this?

Weekend "doctor" for nursing and divine attention

2008-08-26T00:36:00.005+08:00

I keep smelling my new bathrobe

Wall of mayhem - In progress (see papa and me pic I love it)

DOMO PIRATE

MY SONG; VERY NOW - But I only hear I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE

2008-08-25T23:27:00.002+08:00

04 Chris Brown - With You - Chris Brown

[Intro:]
I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight
Said the hearts all over the world tonight
I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight
Said the hearts all over the world tonight

[Verse 1:]
Hey lil mama
Oo u a stunna
Hot little figure
Yes you a winner
And I'm so glad to be yours
You're a class all your own
And oh little cutie
When you talk to me
I swear the whole world stops
You're my sweetheart
And I'm so glad that your mine
You are one of a kind

And you mean to me
What I mean to you
And together baby
There is nothin we won't do
Cuz if I got you
I don't need money
I don't need cars
Girl you're my all

[Chorus:]
And oh
I'm into you
And girl no
One else would do
Cuz with every kiss
And every hug
You make me
Fall in love
And now I
Know I can't be the only one
I bet its hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of they life
Who feel
What I feel when I'm
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you
Girl
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you

[Verse 2:]
Ooh girl
I don't want nobody else
Without you theres no one left and
You're like Jordans on Saturday
I gotta have you and I can not wait now
Hey little shorty
Say you care for me
You know I care for you
You know that I'll be true
You know that I won't lie
You know that I will try
To be your everything

Cuz if I got you
I don't need money
I don't need cars
Girl you're my all

[Chorus:]
Yeah, oh
I'm into you
And girl no
One else would do
Cuz with every kiss
And every hug
You make me
Fall in love
And now I
Know I can't be the only one
I bet its hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of they life
Who feel
What I feel when I'm
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you
Oh oh
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you
Yeah

[Breakdown:]
And I
Will never try to deny
That your are my whole life
Cuz if you
Ever let me go
I would die
So I won't front
I don't need
Another woman
I just need
Your all or nothing
Cuz if I got that
Then I'll be straight
Baby you're the best part of my day

I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight
Said the hearts all over the world tonight
They need they boo
They gotta see they boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight
Hearts all over the world tonight

[Chorus:]
And oh
I'm into you girl
And girl no
One else would do
Cuz with every kiss
And every hug
You make me
Fall in love
And now I
Now I can't be the only one
I bet its hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of they life
Who feel
What I feel when I'm
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you
Girl
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you
Ooh ooh
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you
With you
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you

*************** ENTRY

2008-08-25T03:38:00.006+08:00

I'm beginning to behave like a perfectionist - the best love, the best gifts..
I think I am a perfectionist. Or maybe OCP - Obsessive-Compulsive Personality.

And maybe, some people dont deserve my perfection HEEHEE

It was the most passionate, most fun, most weird night, yet I fear it's not remedy for me. It feels very right and very omg when I woke up this morning and omg at home and omg I hope this means I have moved on already. Like Super Fast. Let's hope it is. But it is also a feeling of scared. But then if I am scared and it all happens, I would know what is true.

I stay away; am mostly indoors at home. Dont need so many fake friends. Just a handful best friends to keep me in tact. So thankful I am if you dont ask me why am I at home. Because it is a luxury sometimes. If I dont go to church, pray for me. I am speaking to Daddy all the time but still pray that I will go to church. That it will excite me again. Oh great! Church camp coming YAY!

On another note, I will be having the second interview tomorrow at 12:30pm. It's 3:30am now, I'm not one bit tired. Thank you Jesus I will wake up at 10:00am to decide what to wear, You bless my interview and the things to sayyy, also minus eyebags and a cheek zit Amen.
Whoo hooo Daddy, give me the accomplishment!

Give me red red roses. I miss flowers! I miss cooking instant noodles with the egg without MSG, that I used to cook for everyone, until I stopped and ate outside.
That is where my money is spent now.
Sashimi sashimi sashimi.

Btw, the song I KISSED A GIRL by katy perry, is pretty hitting it up - Interesting in a I Like It kinda way. But you know, I think it's cute and sometimes I like to change my MSN nick for a day "I kissed a girl" or if I am crazy sad "I am crazy sad" but you get 11 people who ping you to ask if you're okay. And good grief Why cant I be upset? Why cant I want to kiss a girl sometimes, or write out a line of lyrics for pete's sake!!
I also try not to fall into the fear of being judged and asked. Church people sign in and I have to change my nick? NO WAY................. If I write Jesus I love You for them, then it is not for Jesus (and myself for that matter)SO.. to hell with pleasing humans..

I cant wait to start on film, and on the new dslr very soon.
Thankyou L, for your text msg - for being excited for me. I am too, very much! It seems like you have been sick for awhile. Rest rest ..

Oh, getting back to reality, I need to rest too. I am really tired now. I miss hugging. Maybe I need a hot WOMAN.

"I TYPE WHAT I LIKE"

X,
Mxx

I kissed a girl. It felt so right

2008-08-23T16:13:00.004+08:00

So perfect for a chillout.
My misadventure tonight. Let me go.

Isn't the concept of good news and Fridays perfect?

2008-08-23T01:20:00.007+08:00

I scored a second round interview!
If you knew how I'd performed, if you only knew - Jesus made a way for me.

My perfection.

(Special mentions for their comfort and prayers: mommy, dee, shxs, pea, hotdogbun, f, lily, r)
Thanxxxx, mwah :X

E said she first thought of me when she saw this pic. This has been a trait (within me) for the past 2 weeks for every camera - a sign, every canon - a sign, anyone who insists it isnt a sign - a sign.

The cash in my bank is a ticking time bomb waiting to leave me. Comex, anyone??

Follow your heart. Where spontaneity meets an excuse to eat Mcdonalds.

Dreaming of a litter of Golden Retriever puppies,
Mxx

A stayer; not a goer

2008-08-21T23:48:00.011+08:00

As it is not possible to blog (back) my past days (I WAS LAZY)(!!), here are the pictures:

Tuesday 19th (OFF DAY) with Pea
Happy to see what we have opted for; scared at the same time. In retrospect tho, I bet we wouldnt have chose differently.
Our oddly positive off day.

Wednesday 20th
After-work day with F. A tale of old friends meeting up.
F came to pick me up at work, told me he had parked his car beside my office building.
"Red car", he said.
I thought he said "Red car plate." So I walked past a red car, and continued walking.
It was only after 2 honks and a head's turn that I realised. OH. It's A RED CAR. GEE.
In an infinite series of laughs, I had fun :D
Big Moonie

Mani, Pedi, Mani, Pedi. Many Many Mani Pedi

which is why even E is a sucker for the manicurist Christine after I bought her here for the first time. 5 stars. and 6 stars because she loves dogs :))

Bestest Kang Kong

I stayed far beyond when anyone else would have walked, and I even felt bad for going. And I guess, that is why I say I brought it upon myself. This is my Relationship Smoothie.

Episode, somewhat

2008-08-19T15:55:00.003+08:00

Last night I received a pretty startling text.

I made no especial effort to sound polite when responding, and meant it when I thanked him for his honesty.

We are acquainted because of our friends. He became a friend.
And remain a friend he will.

Pity I just sent one. But that one did surprise me today.

2008-08-19T15:52:00.003+08:00

Scored an interview with the company I applied for 2 weeks ago.
As I said to my colleague R, yesterday, "No open doors LEYY."

"Mel!! That's cos you never knock. You just stare, at the door!"

"Well. I did. I sent out one CV 2 weeks ago."

"ONE!! Good grief, no one sends just one CV!!!"

"Hehe, I know. I'm picky."

With any move,

2008-08-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

comes an aching pain.

- The definite drawback of winning the race (Bleah. I sound like schmuck! Hehe)

This new living pain and a fever catch saw me half-dazed and aimless.

I couldnt walk, but I wanted to go to the flea market.
Badly.

I dont always have the luxury of having a friend pick me up, pay my cab fare, shop with me for an hour, send me home and not accepting any cent of the fare.

But I did today.

And just so you know, my friend is female and she is straight :))

Every cloud has a silver lining

2008-08-17T18:57:00.018+08:00

Satisfying tidbits - Happiness is relative

Midweek
A conversation along the lines of "what books are you reading" and Pea: "Mel, I'm halfway through your call girl book" bought me to BdJ's first book discovery I could borrow. The guy we've been trying to shake off every lunch hour has the book! The book I've ordered at Kino that I did not buy, that cannot be ordered anymore, that I am considering buying on Amazon.com, can now be mine until I finish it!!
T.K.A - Totally KickASS
And as if that was not enough to make me happy, he has the tv series I have trouble downloading online too!

It never occurred to me, that men would read such trashywomen stuff.
And more reading materials than me, to give me a real boot.

I can kill you with my metal deaths

Naked

Topping the league table of favourites - Time aloud with they

The undeserving birthday boy who cant have me fooled.
Be gone, all your feign righteousness. This is rubbish and far too meta for my taste.
It is also worth pointing out that you have 1 friend less now, from the 0 friends you already have. That is, for you, now negative 1.
There are other better things to do than msn tennis me. Because I dont like you. Count yourself lucky if you are not blocked and deleted. This is your birthday present. This is Mel, what do you think? You expected maybe, a grind at the club?

Saturday 16-Aug-08

Maintaining the dimensions of our bottom - Exercising Aka The Amazing Race

All that pent-up energy from bringing Hansel along, drove both Pea and me to an overpowering enthusiasm. Add that we were excited and believing to win the race!

Not much an athlete I am, I know. Outside of work I am not interested in jogging. A night walk down the park is also out of the question unless I am troubled and need a breather. Already you know I prefer sleeping. (roll eyes)

But I have Christ and Christ-results are very beautiful.
We emerged Champions. To God be the glory!

We were running, searching, screaming, yelling. The competitive rush had every reason for us to. We stepped panic into overdrive by hitching a ride, only to find the driver a friend we knew - in particular a church friend, who drove us to our destination. All glee.
We took a cab, yelled at the poor cabbie uncle, (still)stayed to take the $1.20 change -- only to realise thereafter that, we had hit the wrong stop. Stupid clue.

Unforgettable moment definitely being bury self in sand. Extremely, disgustingly gross and lack of a better word, dirtysand. Vaguely toyed with the notion of never going through this task but everyone else was already sand-fed.
Eep.
As Alick puts it, "It's like digging your own grave."

Hahahahahahha.

But Saturday still really turned me on.

Apart from the competence of finishing the race first, I believe Hansel's presence gave me alot to smile at. He was barking at every volleyball, frisbee player; desperately wanting a piece of the action. He loves balls and chasing after one. If you ask me, he's a little human boy trapped in a puppy.

And that, amuses me to no end. Endears me beyond no end.
The love for Hansel stretches indefinitely into forever.

I've never felt so blissful in weeks.
No wonder they say A dog is a man's best friend.

Hansel Babyyy

Meet Hansel and his true blue sister, Snowy

Hansel's love for her - Predator and Prey

p/s - Yes I realise in my previous entry I was forgiving towards the birthday boy and clearly now, not.
I apologise. To myself.
Because I am a friend. Not a flipping trained seal. And most definitely not, a trained dog.
Also, dogs dont club.

p/p/s - Yes I am having PMS.

Never felt such increasing sense of indifference towards parties

2008-08-16T03:22:00.011+08:00

I cant remember the last guy I gave so much time to, since my last breakup.

A guy who decided to spend his freaking birthday at Butter. And that maybe, just maybe, not all guests would settle in nicely.
Some may have to queue, some may have to queue for an hour, some may have to appropriately head for supper and home (without getting in at all).

Haha.

In case you were wondering, Shas and I were the queuing, queuing for an hour and the headed for supper and home two. We were - simply put - the unworthwhile party-goers.

Hahhahhahaha (and this dude I dont even fancy)
(I went for shas. So if I do ever tell you I am in love with a female, you'd know she's her.)

The first hour comprised of a 1-hour frightening large part of waiting and listening to a retard babble about her own stupid drunken state. I refrain from breaking a branch (full of leaves) off a tree to wallop her.
Except I do walk to the tree, but the branch was "just too heavy".
Shas and I kept laughing.

... the only decent thing to do, when in denial.
Who in the right mind would have primed for such a wait?

"The queue is indefinite." says the door bitch, as she hands out Free Saturday Passes to everyone STILL IN QUEUE.

You might imagine the humourless look on our faces but no, we were in a funny kind of fit.
Shas and I were spouting vulgarities - it was so easy. My legs were crying and couldnt carry me further. We settled for a veryhungry suppertime at spize.

You know the best thing we dont mention?

That we were more tired and hungry than we ever were excited about the party.

Pre-menstrual crank

2008-08-13T23:58:00.013+08:00

It's true that I dont talk about work, not much anyway. And perhaps hiding all the bullcrap because even I get a little afraid of having any colleague (worst yet my boss) chance upon this hard truth. Might less humiliate me should I resign.

The undeniable truth which I've kept from you, is that..

I hate my job.

In the last one year 7 months I see how this job slowly became permanent, staying because I was supposed to, staying to get used to, never leaving because I never tried, never tried because I was lazy, lazy because I was staying because I was supposed to - A very very vicious cycle.

Despite the horrific underlying problems, it's as if it's all magically okay because I still get paid on time and have by the grace of God, closed many deals.

There are issues like, pay deduction because you fail to inform them exactly 14 days in advance of your annual leave, of surprising terminations, micro-management, absurd fines for not placing the cushion at it's right diamond-shape position.... (I could go on)

But that doesnt ruffle me. Not quite.

Not until what happened today.

The fantasy of a deranged lady at work. I was her, and I was throwing my calculator and pen at every opportunity, infuriated with the email (payslip) I received, or rather, the pay check I am about to receive tomorrow. I was the WHAT HAS BEFALLEN ME look.

My due commisson is not credited.

I turned to ask if my colleague had hers paid. She said NO.. and that hot under the collar look I recognise too(Surprise surprise).

We went to see our VP if anything could be done, speak speak speak (relax mel relax). She said she would follow up. We thanked her and left the room.

Not feeling any better, though.

What are the chances of them paying us this month? Slim to none is my guess. And how many times have I tried, exasperated at not being appreciated and cared for, and still not getting anything in return?
Many times.
Maybe all the time.

I feel sorry for the people working here.
Myself included.

I am alone, sitting with the laptop in my room.
I think everyone's asleep. I think maybe I should listen to some music, music to soothe me.

And then my cellphone rings.

You call.

...and there, life isnt so bad, I think.

Flirt outrageously with a 450d

2008-08-12T23:44:00.010+08:00

I have happier things to write about today.

Of course not with the exception of sadder things first (!!) (not again!) - The mental hurdle of sad thoughts occupying my mind should well be overcomed. Very soon. Stay Positive my friends :D

Met up with E earlier in the evening today. She spoke about the tiff she had with her boyfriend this afternoon - one of disputed lunch action - eg are we having lunch together? No? If we're not, why not? I am at your office already. No, I dont want to lunch with your colleagues, thank you.

It was a small bicker. In fact E felt it wasnt her boyfriend's fault. She said she could do with more understanding.

Bwah.

In a fitter and more motivated past, I would have agreed and said, "Wow. So sweet."

But. Well. I was not today.
The whole thing kinda tore my ribbons away.
Frankly, I think it blew my fragile mind.
No more, no less.

I think her boyfriend's a schmuck (sorry E!) and all that effort and tributes of love from E startles me.

Am I the weird girl here?

I should say in my defence I think the relationship between love and me has altered.
I think love a hoax. And marriage? I think it's a disease.

I'm better off a small island of my own :))

On to happier things!

I cant fly to Aussie anymore (Very very sad - but I remember Serene's post on trade-offs and well. I have a trade-off); Aussie annual leave is too close to Church camp leave (2nd to 5th Sept) but --
I get to buy my dslr! (massive massive crush) (also refer to previous post on attempt to buy dslr)

Unutterbly cool. I am doing more research, in hope to outdo L, who kindly rang me up today learning of my "Wish-incident" and concern being done over, wants to know if I am really serious about getting a dslr because "you dont want to leave it to dust".
An awfully sweet gesture but

Drum roll --- (further to the massive massive crush I have on a slr) -- I've been meaning to expand my knowledge on photography and compact cameras dont work on me no more. Fact.

I promise to do outstanding snaps.
Watch me reap my reward.

Wish is an Indian

2008-08-12T21:37:00.003+08:00

Sorry. Everyone is seemingly asking me (on msn) if there is something wrong with my English because "Wish is an Indian" doesnt sound very right.

Maybe "Wish I was an Indian" or "Wish to be an Indian" ??

But there is no wrong statement. And my statement is correct.

Now, I know that I would not mind buying a second hand dslr especially from a seller who just bought his 2 days ago, who wants to rid of it to buy a bigger one. I also know he is throwing in a free tripod, 4gb cf card and an extra battery (who doesnt love free stuff?).

So i emailed him - His name: Wish.
and expressed my interest in his sell.

We mananged to speak over the phone and it went something like this:

Mxx: Hello

Wish: OW!

(Oh no. He is Indian.)

(Wait.. Indians arent exactly the most truthful lot.. are they?)

(I speak from experience)

Mxx: (A bit bored) So,.. mm. Wish,.. did you buy this from the recent IT Fair?

Wish: YEAA

(and charging me at $1299? I could retail first hand at $1399!)

You will not be interested with the rest of the conversation because little little wonder.
I decided not to purchase the camera from Wish thereafter.

And I will tell you the truth: I'd rather pay $100 more for a new slr, I could go to the IT Fair this month 28-Aug and load myself with freebies too.

Aah, But yes. You think I am a racist.

Granted I do sound like a complete racist in this regard.

I would like to think not.
But no one would believe anyway.

So I am a racist lor.

Preparation is like gas;

2008-08-11T23:48:00.005+08:00

it expands, to fill the space allotted.

I'm the pedant, honey. Wish I was less.
All the protective outer layers in the world come to nothing if I dive into my emotional pool.
Which is why I dont. Dont want to drown.

The dinner date was good and call it too much red wine - enough to kill a horse - I spent most of my time thinking about nothing :)

Of late, tact has been one of my weaker suits; I almost talk like a man. But also, thankfully, I have no righteous indignation to be vocal. And hence,
"Do you have anything to say?" (I said) is about as kind and nice as it got, tonight.

Barracks - Dempsey

Call it youthful exuberance, call it silly indulgence. I had too much red.
I just want to go to bed. Tired and half sloshed.
My favourite.

French.

2008-08-10T23:39:00.001+08:00

Nothing earth-shattering - just really tired. Thoughts flying.

The hot and close of it all.

Dead love

2008-08-10T17:37:00.007+08:00

Butter at a better state
Wished my girls were with me

The Good, Bad and the Ugly
DieLoveDie
After a bit of time passes it can be difficult to remember how, why and when.

I was felt up, as I revisited the same smell, taste, touch, smile I never knew would exist again.
The moment so surreal, I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or me. Okay, but I was not drunk.

I remembered the thousand times together, the thousand times not together and the last time together.

No feelings fooled. No feelings fooled by each other amongst the crowd.

The Socially Accepted Ficiton (Hate it or love it),
LoveDieLove

A short skirt

2008-08-09T19:47:00.007+08:00

For the multiple routes of expressions, I have decided I will go Butter tonight (I know I am a club suicide - I have never been there before. Resistance to change has kept me well at zouk for many years).

I am very hungry, have not ate dinner or lunch, do not care about the NDP and is accused as lazy to even ring McDonalds Delivery.

The view of a drinking night as having distinct reasons and unchanging elements of desire to get drunk might be projected on me.
But you know I dont care what you think.
I had an awful Friday night and that's how I want to make it up to myself, Saturday night.

I am identified as a hungry, sleeping log (albeit mainly half awake half online and dreaming of food) and now, essentially crazy, to want to go out at 1030pm, rediscover human jam with the NDP crowd, but as far as I can tell at this point, anyway, it beats staying at home.

愛我的資格

2008-08-09T16:13:00.001+08:00

I am dismayed for a reason

2008-08-09T15:15:00.006+08:00

Friday 080808

It occurred to me that I should be going out abit more. 11 days of locking myself in the room apart from work and the occasional bgff dinner - calls my actions into questions - at any rate I was going to be a grouch, and a smelly one at it.

I am usually averse to hanging out with this crowd. But I did, for Shas - so long since I last cared to do anything for anyone.

Hanging out with this crew did nothing to convince me otherwise, I am tempted to further draw myself away; they probably feel the same way, no matter. I remain aversed. And nothing will change that.

I am not quite able to put a finger to why the movie The Mummy sucked. But it did and I didnt enjoy it.
Blame it on the people I watched the movie with - again, the averse crowd. Hmm. Probably.

I wanted to drink, but suffice to say I dont get a say. I dont get to choose where we go.
We end up at Helipad. A place with no authenticity. Is this how a helipad really looks like? I dont know. I dont like planes now.

The whole chillout was significantly different from how I'd expected a chillout to be because I was so quiet, I'm beginning to really believe I am an Introvert. If I could leave, I would have and I would not mind.
But I stucked to the end of 3:00am, finished the beer and gave myself the usual conclusion I gave (after the movie with the crowd), that really, I think it was them that I genuinely did not enjoy myself.

Photography proof

Nothing seemed to suit both my temperament and circumstance that night as I left in a cab.
Because to such an understanding, I view sex essentially different from you.
And no, I will not do it - not even if you paid me.

I want to cheat

2008-08-08T01:14:00.004+08:00

I want shortcuts. I believe in shortcuts.

I want to cheat my way out.

Yet another entry,

2008-08-07T23:57:00.007+08:00

yet another pitiful excuse for an upsetting post.
I suppose one can really never know what is going on in my head :X

I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone with the lack of high spirits and enthusiasm but seriously, I do not have any.
I am so drained, so washed out, so spaced out.

And just as I thought I had passed the threshold of unhappiness for the day (refer to pictures below: happy nails and a happy miu miu dress)

I revert back to my old ways -- Frightening, and very tedious.

Inevitably something had to come along in the decision of taking over, preceding this very sad night.
The perfect Miu Miu dress I no longer find joy to share.
Nothing you want to hear.
Nothing I want to do, that I should do, that I will do - therefore I am lying to you if I tell you I do.

Low ebb, pensive mood.

I believe God will meddle with me.

As of now, I prefer stoning. I am stoning. Could do this all night.

Who am I? I am nobody

2008-08-07T01:32:00.008+08:00

On days like these I wish people would get off my back, quit asking me if I am fine (Am obviously not if you can read titles.) But if no one asks, I get BangBang gunshot heartshot thoughts: "Where exactly is everyone who cares?" Alas, I think I might be a stranger. Yes, I find myself baffling at my own thoughts. To my knowledge, I am weirder than weird. I wish I was special but when was weird ever special?

I am not feeling nostalgic. I despise feeling nostalgic.
I feel horrible for the time gone by. It saddens but doesnt surprise me that I am not happy. I have a great testimony to share regarding work (closed deals after the devil's last burst of fire to my lost deal in a day(!)) but I do not care to. Everything is blah, even this entry is blah. Nobody writes a blah entry. Nobody, that is who. That is me.

How to turn down a guy’s lunch invitation

2008-08-06T23:20:00.003+08:00

We lie.

[12:02:41 PM] sharon says: he just called
[12:02:42 PM] sharon says: hahaha
[12:02:44 PM] Melissa Ng says: he called me
[12:02:45 PM] Melissa Ng says: sheet
[12:02:45 PM] sharon says: and i told him i got appt
[12:02:49 PM] Melissa Ng says: sheet sheet sheet
[12:02:53 PM] Melissa Ng says: so awkward
[12:02:54 PM] sharon says: oopsss
[12:02:56 PM] sharon says: so how?
[12:02:58 PM] Melissa Ng says: i told him im not meeting you
[12:02:59 PM] Melissa Ng says: hahahahaha
[12:03:01 PM] sharon says: ok
[12:03:02 PM] Melissa Ng says: told him i got lunch meeting
[12:03:04 PM] Melissa Ng says: so nvm la
[12:03:07 PM] sharon says: i just told him i got appt
[12:03:08 PM] Melissa Ng says: screw that dude
[12:03:14 PM] Melissa Ng says: thank God he wont be staying long
[12:03:15 PM] Melissa Ng says: phew
[12:03:21 PM] Melissa Ng says: bleah
[12:03:22 PM] sharon says: we cant possibly include him in all our lunch appts rite?
[12:03:24 PM] sharon says: haha
[12:03:30 PM] sharon says: he also not our close friend

And for really no reason whatever, why should we care?

The photos from my disposable camera have fazed me

2008-08-06T23:04:00.003+08:00

I shall not even post them.

But photo of Hansel few weeks ago, any takers? - Here you go.
I miss him. I almost never thought I would. Almost.
But everyone has feelings, and for me, that was always it.
No questions, no exceptions.

Meet Rainbow, my bandit/ ninja cat

2008-08-06T22:54:00.004+08:00

I have yet to decide if he's a bandit or a ninja, although personally I'd prefer ninja. He's really a cute isnt he.
Meet Rainbow. :)

I know, I know... Girly right? Except that while I could probably name him something else, or change his gender as I might, he really does look happy, his tail a rainbow.. you know? And hey, he is a male face!

He also isnt even a cat (a raccoon as a matter of fact) to begin with but after eyeing him somewhile ago, I had already decided he was going to be mine. My cat.

I am a fucking slut

2008-08-04T18:15:00.000+08:00

At the very end, I couldnt even leave with my pride.

The taste still lingers in my mouth

2008-08-04T03:54:00.002+08:00

According to Sean, who just got home and on msn - Aspirin and alcohol can only make you super high, cause you to tire out, pass out, and sleep.
As he puts it, "You will not die!"

Left me pretty amused and sillified but no less, thankful still - I am alive and kicking.

I have generously offered to buy myself a $1200 ticket to Brisbane instead of Perth (why not buy a dslr you may ask. I've weighed my options and decided a holiday should recover me)
My friends are skeptical and in a trial of disbelief although terribly excited as I am, - especially Pea because she thinks I daren't take a plane alone - methinks this is a highlight of my life.

While away for business in Hongkong two months ago, I remember how I was almost driven to tears on the first night of my arrival, in my hotel room.
I wasnt alone. Great company to boot in fact - my best friend and a great colleague, both allowed me to sleep between them.
Truth inside tho, I was a melancholic. I miss home, I miss my boring route home from work, I miss sleeping on my familiar bed.
I dont need a nice bathtub, luxurious duvet, habourfront seaview - Certain to me, not a pleasant place to be in.

I think I hate to be heaving with change.

But for reasons completely relating to embracing change and shutting out, I am determined to plan and see through this trip.
Lodging will be free my friends, and that is why I suspect I'll have to be maid instead of friend, cook instead of serve, wash instead of complain.

Haha.

Brief explanation to why Brisbane instead of Perth now: because more friends are in Melbourne and Brisbane (I could do a transfer flight). More shopping, more beaches, more photography expeditions (although I seriously think more reason for Perth and Photos), more reason to spend an obscene amount of money on myself.

I asked my girls if they would send me off and pick me up at the airport (I love all that drama - warm toasty hugs and carrying my bags for me) and they said, "IF YOU confirm your ticket, WE DEFINITELY would."

I have never been more sure. :)

What with 24/7 in bedroom

2008-08-04T03:16:00.006+08:00

Friday 01-Aug-08
I succumbed to the most dangerous element of inebriation.

This is not, before you wonder, done to numb my pain/ mixed feeling of hurt, fear and indignation/ (insert as appropriate), nor to countlessly expose wound and pick on wound.
It is not the sick mind, yet it is the sick, the real headache sick that had death sat alongside me.

The girls wanted to spend Friday together - I call it My day (for obvious reason).
I was hardly at work the entire week. If you saw me, only my body was there. If you didnt see me, I wouldnt reply your texts anyway.

I am the sun hiding behind my own cloud and the desire to.

I pity my friends and I often tell myself, clearly they should leave me - There's no why, but only because I do not even spend 5 minutes on the phone with them, I only reply "I'm fine" on msn, I do not sound pleasant, I sulk, ignore, stone, kill conversations, kill enthusiasm --
(Briefly) - In the pits of a nadir, I do not allow anyone to make me happy.

Assured it is my fault entirely.

What BFF? BGFF?
Mel, the sordid liar friend.

I didnt want to lament; If I could be happy, be the Mel they love, I would.
I wanted to be happy, but I couldnt.
So the best I could, and did, was to spend my Friday with them.

Splitting headache is not fun, but I had it since Thursday and it's still here (It's Sunday 3:01am yes, and it's here inside my head). I kindly asked for 2 aspirins while eating sushi on Friday promising myself and the rest I would not take alcohol in the next 4 hours.

Headed down to Zouk within the next hour. I forgot my promise. Got jiggly in a bit, we all forgot the promise. Pea suggested drinks with the mood music and in particular a Flaming Lamborghini.
I was insistent too. Come to think of it,.. I think I suggested it. Pea second it.
So. Anyhow, I finished it. A bout of flame finished it.
And then I remembered.

I ate medicine!

Comes the thought bubble of mom's nag, "You cant take medicine AND alcohol. Will die!"

Boy I was scared stiff .

But Lambo was inside already.
So was Aspirin.

No one made a big deal out of it tho.
Everyone was, "It's really okay. Dont worry!! (Smile smile smile)."

I pranced around, although inebriated, for the next 3 hours in Zouk. Whee. Super high.
Awesome friends, swell time.

Reached home, mom made me finish a bowl of chicken soup. Told her about alcohol and aspirin. You probably would have guessed her reaction. And if it is to be believed, I was born scared (even scared of accidentally-drinking-ants-in-a-cup-of-plain-water-scared), I could not sleep thereafter.
I prayed in tongues, read psalms 91, prayed prayed prayed, played worship songs,..
I needed to call someone. I needed someone to tell me IT IS OKAY. No one to call. 6:30am who to call.
So I called Whysoserious in the end. He was at Zouk just now, surely he just got home.

And he did. We spoke awhile, I thanked him and pressed my head into my pillow.

Afraid to sleep. Afraid I may never wake up again.
The near taste of quiet death. I was well paranoid but well frightened as hell.
I cant remember when I fell asleep.

11:30am. Pea called to go to the pool.
Eyes opened. Insync with first thought, "I'm alive!!"

Revelation / Lesson learnt: It is a blessing, to wake up alive. Everyday.

Now, welcome back to the joy:

I will learn to be a better cook in Perth

2008-08-01T01:28:00.002+08:00

I'll fold the clothes, pack a lunch, write a note on the bathroom mirror wall, go on a photography expedition with the not-so-rigid tripod, cook a pot of beef stew and watch movies online to bed.

On that note, will I be able to find Kim somewhere? I hope so.

I am serious about going Perth to find Blunt.

2008-08-01T01:16:00.003+08:00

Frankly, what do you do when you've called in sick many times in a month - when you arent really -

- and now that you really are - disgustingly sick and out (both cheeks flushing and numbing, a heart of vomit, toad's throat, a ridiculous temperature).. ?

What will you do?

You still go to work.

Death Warmth

2008-07-30T08:55:00.007+08:00

Who says one cant take shortcuts?
I took a shortcut last night to cure all that. Well. At least, if not all. Perhaps. Some of that.

Woke up this morning at 8am.
No slightest bit of remorse.

I have agreed not to talk to Feelings

2008-07-29T16:49:00.004+08:00

Mind and Habit are acquainted because Mind's friend, Heart, and Habit's friend, Feelings, were best friends - in fact they still are.

Whether their closeness is legal tender for a friendship between Mind and Habit is yet to be decided.

But I truely hope not.

Must invest in laughter

2008-07-29T16:36:00.002+08:00

I know

2008-07-29T15:52:00.007+08:00

It's a chalk-bright afternoon and I'm at home, curtains drawn.
It is bright, alright. I know because my eyes still hurt from the penetrating sun rays. What curtains.
I cant sleep any further.
I wake up.

I am on msn. Friends tell me of their evening plans, songs to hear for the moment, alot of "hahas" and "hehes"..

Are people happier everywhere else in the world today? Sure seems so.

The sun is still shining.
Good.

I need a little bit of sunshine.

Hillsong Live - Healer (This Is Our God)

2008-07-26T04:00:00.001+08:00

If Friday nights are to be believed, this makes me a certified night owl.

2008-07-26T03:42:00.000+08:00

Greetings from 3:30am...

Tonight, briefly:

zouk, filled up application, velvet: bellini!, winebar, deli, home.
Did not have the luxury of a "party friday" - we didnt want to - Was falling asleep from horrid red wine.

Talk about tiredness, I all but ran to bed.
I'm even online now :D

Print-friendly

Bought curtains 3 months ago, but they never happened.

You see bands, chains across the head

Have you seen 3 retarded ones at the same time?

Kanye West would be really happy

A nail's guide The beginning: The desire to re-coat my nails every once a month

The now: The overwhelming desire to re-coat my nails every once a week

My eyes and body are still at apparent loggerheads. Eyes want eye-shut, body doesn't care. While I try to appreciate them both, I have decided to give in to the eyes.

P/s I finally got to speak to shawnie boy. I miss him. I've said it many times but..... I miss him.

xx,
Ready for rest - Mxx

Now I understand I love youu

2008-07-25T01:57:00.003+08:00

The boy has done studying. :))
and .. I'm done waiting... ahahahahahhahahha

We're back from the kitchen after 2 slices of durian strudel.
Breath stinks and now cant kiss.

No matter. In defence of love no less. We will.

I love youuuuu wild child.

xoxo,
cute nails.

Jesus Christ, the Lord of all

2008-07-24T01:18:00.005+08:00

I am of the belief that,

"You are beautiful beyond description, too marvellous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension, like nothing ever seen, or heard.
Who can grasp your infinite wisdom, who can fathom the depths of Your love.
You are beautiful beyond description, majesty enthroned above.
I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due, I stand in awe of You."

which means I wish I could string the words of my heart in writing now, to tell you how beautiful my Saviour is, how the love of Christ charms me beyond and over my understanding, how I could explode in love now -

Except I cant seem to really piece it

but if you would know -

Christ pieced me.

Abit Flighty

2008-07-23T23:20:00.001+08:00

18-Jul-08 Friday
Girls in twos.
Throw stars. Night calm, enthusiasm infectious, love intense, passion at best.
We installed ourselves at Palais, not much an update as an excuse to spend more time together since time out of hand - and the only schedule we could fix was... well. This schedule.

Hung on to the last shreds of conversation till Pingb leaves to catch the train. :))

My Take

Her Take

As if trying to convince myself (that I will eventually manage to wake this log up)

2008-07-22T23:55:00.000+08:00

I manage to keep from strangling the Boy, who is now fast asleep on my bed. Snoring.

Knowing he came by tonight with an effort to beat my ice storm, I allow him another 5 mins of nestle in the bosom of my beloved bed before I start my kickboxinghimup.

The heart is an extremely self-sabotaging hunter

2008-07-22T00:10:00.008+08:00

Now - feeling like a stranger in a strange land, I wonder if I read to burn out some of my existence; to take myself away from the now, place with where Belle D.J is in my current book.
It is the renewed enthusiasm that I read this, and continue to do so. I dont want to put this book down.
I think I'm frightened that if I finish this book, I might remember where I am, now.

Am I reading to bury self?

Question answered I suppose.

Frank humor (Please pardon the use of explicit words):

Man to Woman: Your handy cut-out-and-keep translation:

I've never cheated on a girlfriend: I've never had sex with two woman in a day, at least not without showering first. Probably.

My phone doesnt get very good reception here: I'm going to turn off my phone when I'm at her house, in case you ring.

I think of you all the time: I think of you when I'm sending you a text.

Where have you been all night?: Dont you dare do any of the things I do!

You're the only woman I've ever really loved: I tell this to all the girls.

I'm not a liar: I'm a liar.

And ever wondered why women have the reputation of being the more demanding of the two sexes when men are actually just as the fussiest little fusspots on the face of the earth?

Example: Pain. Ask a woman for a list of the most physically painful experiences and you'll get an answer like childbirth and brazilian waxing, in that order. Men, on the other hand, find shaving cuts an ordeal. Shaving cuts. A wee blade getting a touch too close to the skin.

Male egos require constant stroking. Every task is an achievement, every success epic. That is why women cook, but men are chefs: we make cheese on toast, they produce pain au fromage.
But they are no clever housewives if you ask me - comes the mistake of, maybe turning white wash to pink, burning a hole when ironing, washing socks with suits - But obviously being a man, and therefore having a man-sized ego, neither the man or woman will bring it up again.

It's not unfair. It's just that. Fact.

Mistanning Episode

2008-07-21T21:08:00.008+08:00

19-Jul-08 Saturday
I could never tire of the smell of the sea or the sound of a volleyball game in the wind.

I'd been expecting some tanning action with the girls but the weather made sleeping-in at 1pm look like a good idea. There were alternatives, such as shopping and pets-viewing but we were already there - What to do?
Green Tea and stuck on tanning beds, reluctant to even shower up.

We just heavy cloud tanning. And for a good few mins, hiding under the big umbrella - pouring heavily.

Closer examination of my saturday proved it wasnt so bad after all.
Managed to shamefully cop myself a Laura Lees (like, finally! after a duper long fancy), size M altho I'm a S, clearly I couldnt find S, I knew it was wrong and yet I couldnt help settling for it. :)

Met up with the Boy and his mom for dinner. A feast, and then I made them both go to the Pet Safari with me. I could stare at the dog-dogs all day.
It is a comforting.

Yet come night, my stomach lurched and gurgled. Into the dark warm night. Discomforting.
I fell asleep, sad and distant.
I woke up the next day, at the same spot, still sad and distant.

End examination of my saturday proved it was quite bad after all. (insert pretentious laughter)

Obsessed with the What and Why but never really about the How.

2008-07-20T22:54:00.005+08:00

There is really nothing I can write that would not have already been expressed better to God.

Sometimes, I hate the world. And the people.
And by that, I guess,

I mean to say myself too.

I hate tonight.

On another note, my mom mentioned her "brillant" idea of renting out a room (my sister suggested MY ROOM) since she hasnt yet found a job and obviously,.. the good money that comes from it.

While I may hope for the change of my mom's mind, deep down in my heart I know I wouldnt be able to give her much more than I already am - Yes, we're talking Moolah here.

So instead of saying, "NO!"..
I told her, "I'll think about it."

(You must know, this isnt only my house. My mom is my dad's wife and oh ya, she gave birth to me, what do you think?)

I have never felt so far away from my room as I have sitting on my bed now.

Recount the saga

2008-07-14T01:55:00.000+08:00

The Saga of sorts

Same but different

2008-07-14T01:14:00.000+08:00

My opinions are so influenced by my own experience and beliefs, I'm not keen to engage in justification and debate.

The walkway

2008-07-13T03:50:00.008+08:00

Stepped foot outside to the urban. Almost 11pm (night to beat the heat :))
Met up with my inner circle.. We don't meet for the food, nor the place, nor even the fantastic conversation we always have.

We come for the no-reason-we-are-youtubing-at-home-like-tofu-in-bed.
Better off spending some money on cabs, walking everywhere with the city dwellers. Hehehe.
Spending time with Sharonpova always makes for a satisfying time.

Luncheon Meat Crisis

My Picture-perfect girllove

Share breathing space and a raspberry skinny latte

P/s I Love Kim

P/p/s Happy Belated Birthday Pingb

Obvs, ‘tis the reason for a slumber party. Very soon.

2008-07-13T02:38:00.006+08:00

11-Jul-08
The glitter-laden SALE signs along every boutique.
Snatched up nothing.
In a nutshell: Don't waste your time.

Bash of a slumber party + pineapple malibu + pillow fights ... aaah, that's more like it.

So, the floweries.
Where were we so flowered?

Urgh. Hate my laptop bag.

Tag: MXX the Master Wu Gui, Sharonpova the Crane and Pou, the Kungfu

Which to a girl like me is emo rock.

2008-07-12T20:30:00.011+08:00

MXX and Sharonpova.

Thanks for the beer and duck on dough.
It sure made me sleepy on the way home.

My world, if you can imagine, of regular lover friends.

Everywhere I go, I take them with me... Yeah.

Of acquired taste. Yummilicious.

Lined with gold

Dazzle razzle. Casual. Casual queue.

"Hey, sport, what's up?"

2008-07-09T00:04:00.013+08:00

I stayed-in today, not lying.
I have been ignoring the text msgs, the early text msgs especially! (7:30am!!), the calls, - with what should be known as a conversation/ text killer : "Talk later".

I am not called cranky for nothing.

Head feeling like the revolution of the jackhammers... Aye, I must be really sick. Haha.

But I am glad for the vacant - though struck as strange, alone it must be and get by.
Curtains drawn, my smile wan..
It's alot to digest but I take my bit.. and bring it with me.

When I am honest with myself, I am better.

Night out.
Had an incredible time with my sister today. The night started off well. Surely it would - Working my ass off in the middle of the day: noon till 5:50pm to be exact (does not justify my offday one bit) - We ate mom-cooked Fried Rice in the car at Vivo City Carpark, no idea why Dee wanted me to bring dinner along, but we got lost finding our way to the mall and that made me really hungry - Fried rice tasted superbly better than it did in the afternoon.
(No laaa of course my mom is a successful cook!)

I save alot of money eating-in this week. Wheee.
My DSLR dream deal is coming near to a close :)

Vivo is the awesome especially when you're in tees and shorts and nothing you want to buy.
Wanted to escape to the Pets Safari but realised I dont have a dog anymore and seeing one might upset me all over again so. Fuhgeddaboudit.
Heaviest sigh.

Maybe I will get a Golden Retriever one day. I dont know how. Somehow. I hope.

We retired for a second proper dinner at Superdog (I'm sorry shas, I promised but I failed you.)
A good time, it was warm and sweet.

I love Dee.
I can't ask for a better sister, and I thank God she's mine.
We both had stupid, stubborn, raging squabbles and my refuse to share anything with her..
In retrospect, why didn't I? She's like my best friend, my confidant. She's pretty much the ultimate all rolled into one.
Summed up tho,.. I am like the younger trapped in the older; and vice versa.

Lol. I can't say I dont enjoy it sometimes.
Love love her to bits.
(If you dont have a sister, find one)

So it's late, we charged back. This time, she checked the maps first and drove back with ease - (I can't read maps, I haven't been attending my driving practicals. I am kinda p with myself.)
And as such, it makes me ever more proud of my better version daughter of my daddykins, Dee.

Dont you worry. I know I am special too.
Specially lazy too. :)

Had a man carrying a Prince Tennis bag (Bag for more than 1 racket) walk pass me and hey. Saliva stuck in throat halfway down.
I was supposed to go for Tennis today.

Painful at best, Painful at worst.

wow, I'm really not helping myself.

Anyhow, I'm almost but hopefully not, rotting away at Tennis.
Anymore rot, the cockroach will eat my overgrip.
And leave me with a broken Wilson. K-Suffered.

Need to do something about it.

Sharonpova, grab your cute tennis shoes.
Sports channels are not enough.

We need to stop picking balls.

Pop a sleeping pill and go into the world of ethereal dreams

2008-07-08T00:20:00.006+08:00

My sister is in love. Her "he" came over for dinner tonight.
I am happy for her, and I ate dinner today.

Broke away from the dining room soon enough. From them. With my state of sullenness, would much rather watch the tv than be a killjoy.

The Good Girl movie stoned me.
Pretty sick.

Going to bed,
The stars have fallen - Anti Fairytale.

Please Remember - LeAnn Rimes

2008-07-07T19:13:00.004+08:00

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I’ll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won’t forget, so don’t forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there’s just no sadder word to say
And it’s sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who’s to know what might have been
We’ll leave behind a life and time
We’ll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
I had you and you had me

Take me away to where I belong

2008-07-07T19:01:00.004+08:00

Chanced upon a read.
Feels like. Very much like.

"How's everything?", she beamed.

He hesitated, long enough for her to die inside all over again.

She slid into the passenger seat while he stowed his gear, turned over the ignition and blasted the AC. The car still smelt the same, as how she had remembered just two months back.

She glanced at the stranger next to her and tried to remember when he used to be a part of her.
Instead, she chose to turn and stared out the window, watching the scenery streamed by without registering a single image.
He seemed to be lost in a thousand thoughts, not a single one of which she could guess.
These days, it seemed like the words between them were there only to outline the silences.
She understood better than anyone else that, in the blink of an eye, you might reinvent yourself..
She understood that the person you were yesterday might not be the person you were tomorrow.
But this time, she was the one who wanted to hold on to what she had, instead of letting go.
The breathing space she gave, had somehow became an inmeasurable distance.

She thought up a thousand questions - How's school? Did you go wakeboarding? Do you think it will rain again tonight? - but she couldn't speak.
It was too much, sitting there on the leather seat, just a foot away from him, the way she'd sat beside him in the car a hundred times before.

He pulled out of the parking spot and cleared his throat.

"You feeling better?"

Than what? she thought.

She tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced down. She thought of how she used to grasp the stick shift, so that when he reached for it, he would automatically be holding her hand. She slid her palm beneath her thigh and gripped the seat so she wouldn't do anything stupid.

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"All of it. You know. Go to class. Out. Have fun. Make it through the day. Act like... like none of it mattered."

He stopped the car near the park and reached across the seat and brushed his thumb over her cheek; until then, she hadn't been aware she was crying. Again.

He sighed. "Girl, it mattered."

By now, the tears were coming faster. "But I love you. I love you so so much."

There was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings, no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them.
She couldn't blame him, she didn't like herself like this, either.
These days, her entire life was about making people believe she was someone she wasn't anymore.
But she couldn't go back to being the girl she'd been before she met him; that girl was gone.

So where did that leave her?

It was not that he had broken up with her just three months to her final return for good.
It was not that she - a nobody elevated to the level of queen by association, who seemed to have hit jackpot - had lost her Cinderella status.
It was that she truly believed you could learn how love could change the speed your heart beat, how it made you dream in rainbow colors.
It was that she knew she couldn't have loved him this hard if he hadn't loved her that way too.

He was wavering, she could tell.
When he reached over the console and pulled her into his arms, she tucked her head against his neck.
She couldn't remember the last time they were this close to each other.
She couldn't remember a lot of things; like the sound of his breathing when he gave himself over to sleep, or the half smile that slipped out like a secret when something took him by surprise.

"I can be whatever you want me to be," she promised.

"Please", she said, half question, half command.

"Thank you", she murmured, to God, to him, or maybe both, when he held her closer.

His words stirred the hair beside her ear. "You've got to stop. We're over."
His words were like a handful of stones dropped from a cliff.

She disengaged herself, wiping her eyes on the tank top she was wearing that was now a tad too loose for her.

"If it's us, how come you get to decide?"

He didn't answer. He couldn't.

I'm a weirdo.

2008-07-06T03:36:00.002+08:00

Why am I here? I dont belong here.

Which is why I started to cry

2008-07-05T17:11:00.009+08:00

When someone pasted this link to me, and told me he would listen to this whenever he was sad, I was eager.
Until I heard it.
Until I heard the first line. And cried.

.. and there he said, "That's the whole point. Thats why i hear it.. to make me cry cause i always feel better after crying it out.. I always tell myself I was the one that started things and in a sense caused myself to be unhappy and everyday i learn something new. And to not make the same mistakes again. Just want you to feel better. Hugs."

SMAP. It feels like I just got slapped, right across my face.

I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

'Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

The Lord knows what is going on

2008-07-05T14:32:00.016+08:00

I wanted to stop my whole freedom of speech thing since my last entry and yesterday, but if you know how I'm feeling now, you wouldnt even care.

I dont want to read something that hurts me but not be able to do anything to it - That is what I have been doing. And I learnt to hold back my tears. I learnt to not cry.

But I am not saying I want to go out and do something, prove something either - I have nothing to.

I just want to be. Me.

I am indignant towards the many things that have happened. Am wondering whether he remembered how he strongly, realistically presented his case to me.
I have but nothing with my unprivileged position. So I am at where I am. I do what I am supposed to do.

But all I am doing now, is crying.

Friends, blame me for misrepresenting myself in this blog, for possibly causing more injury to myself - but for the first time in my life I learnt : I am the wasted time, actually worth recycling.

How defeating.

I'm sorry I sound all bark and no bite (the no bite came when I decided to post this. My actions didnt speak for me at all.)

But the Lord knows what is going on, and only He does.

I promise to not read anything ever again.

Keep-out

2008-07-03T01:01:00.014+08:00

The dust has settled and hopefully everything will be on its way. It's not surprising after such a short time, that it really still comes down to a small load of his clothes and his camera again (I have a habit of NOT returning cameras dont I..)

I know I'm allowed to grief, feel the loss - No shortcuts.. but come on, heard of the word 'Jaded?'
My heart is .. well. Feels like an after-storm.. although there's this bit of curry still cooking on the inside.

S says, "It just boils down to Character."
What do I say? It's apparent.

The possible sad part, I guess, if I say so myself, was to have to negotiate everything that has happened with a partner who cant even be bothered to try.

I'll still stick with Nothing lost on my side. You really, really never lost what you never had.
I did what I could and I do nothing now.

"If it's not love from both, then what is? Love is the reason." says S.
If I were a book, I bet S read me.

"What if an itchy finger? We all have one." she exclaimed.

"Oh ya. I burnt mine. Remember? I dont have it anymore." I replied.

I've come far enough to realise I've been taken lightly for.. many, many times.
Well, at least I didnt rediscover the joy of going down to Zouk for a drink.

All I'll do now.. wait for the newfound sparkle in my eye, the zest for Jesus even more, of life! and the transformed figure of a woman (breakups are for weightloss)
I cant "Haha" right now but things really will be different.
Heads will turn when I walk by. I'll feel, and look, younger. And all it will take was losing maybe 71 kilograms.

71 kilograms of someone, that is.

(The trash is at the kerb; my heart I shall keep.)

Indulging in reminiscence

2008-06-30T23:52:00.005+08:00

Went grocery shopping after work and had a time. A time of laptop bag dragging and vegetable choosing.

I was in a fix - fresh dory fish or frozen fish fillet?

BAH! When was the last time I cooked?

Considering the previous Tapas receipe I tried, I shudder to think if I still remember how to light the stove.

On another note - Sometimes, some things have a funny way of making you feel a complete prat, and even the best thoughts fall foul of some cosmic emotion from time to time.

The best thing to do? Go to Sleep.

Having very little else to do of a weekend

2008-06-28T18:16:00.002+08:00

The high afternoon Saturday - my lazy bones in bed, feet wrapped in socks.
Not something I would usually approve of, but I got complacent in bed. Think: Books, In-room movies, Napping and... napping. Yeah.

Just finished Pretty Woman - for the 3982th time... My most favourite film, second best to none (no matter how much I love Johnny Depp and Pirates)
Comes the tiny problem I have because of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, I am a true-blue believer of romance.
Hahahahhahhahahahahaha.

Pity the neglect of your girlfriend does not warrant getting roses or a romantic picnic in the gardens. JKN is working today, attacking the unfinished load storm, cracking his brains at the ready. I'm just vegging out in front of my laptop,... sipping tea. How to complain?

Referring back to movies, I caught You dont mess with the Zohan last night together with Fan, Han and JKN.
Fan and Han are an excellent couple - being water that floats my soap, I was pleased to know we would all be spending time together. Dinner, idle banter, movie, chips, laughter. Enough to make my Friday night I believed.

Alas, none of these happened (except the walking to the theatre together part)

JKN had to attend a Mess after work. It was a mess alright. For me. PUN YES.

In short - we were gonna meet Fan and Han late; probably just in time for the show.
How annoying.

He picked me up at my house. Looked at me and asked if I was upset.

"No." I said.
But we both knew what "No" meant. (Yes.)

So anyhow, he dropped me off to find a parking lot while I fled to pass the tix to Fan.
I did all reasonable reasonings and apologies.. so Fan being the great best friend she always is (boot licking if she reads my blog), is not one bit upset (or so i gather from her tone).

"Dont be pissed with JKN... remember Christmas? I was pissed with Han too." Fan whispered.

"Oh, hahhahaha. I remember." I said.

24-Dec-07. Fan was duper late for our Christmas party. All for that Han was running some errands, delivering presents ahoy, being Santa .. or something.

Hahahahahahhahhahahahaha.
Okayy. I was heartfelt.

"Han! You're like JKN too. You caused upset during Christmas!" I declared.

"He wont remember.. He never remembers anything. Even what we had for dinner.. Haha." says Fan.

Han pauses.

"I know! The first Christmas!!" he cried.

Wrong!! HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Han and Fan spent 2 Christmases together. He was late for the first but I am well-aware she was upset with the second.
Hilarious? It is.

"Where is JKN? We should wait for him." Han said.

"Let's throw his ticket away. Let's not wait for him." I replied.

Giggles and laugher - Fan, Han and I.
They do know I do not own such guts. And/ or that I'll never do that to anyone. Or him for that matter. (Such is a kind me Hahhahahha)

JKN came in abit; I wanted to laugh but quickly fixed up the classic "I-am-mad-at-you" face.
Well. It worked.
He apologised and whee - Not soggy and grumpy anymore.
I have my sudden burst of oddities I admit... But I come back pretty fast if you know me :)))

I am enthusiastic to meet up with Han and Fan next week.
Yummilicious.

A Quick Minutiae...

1) I love Fan, Pea, Shas, Pingb. Imagine not having them in my life. I dont want to imagine.

2) It is the vintage friends-meet-up frenzyyy. I met up with Yanting - a short chunk of the night but awfully sweet. We had a manicure together, dinner and stroll roll along the streets. Kick ass.
I'm looking to meet with Lily very soon too. :))

3) Of Tennis, Topspin Forehead and Backhand, Volleys, Power Serve and Longer rallying. Last week I learned to my chargin that my positioning to the ball just isnt right. PRACTICE!!

4) I'm inspired. By Nadal. Completely by his looks only/ actually.

Eep. The Boyfriend's back.
I will be renting some DVDs over curry for dinner.
To thank myself in the most obvious way for spending little money (not shopping) today, I get to choose the movies I want to watch.
COOL.

Still Intact

2008-06-28T13:14:00.006+08:00

Secondhand Serenade
Fall For You

fall for you - secondhand serenade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find